A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
A drunk walks into a bar, has one drink and then the bartender cuts him off. He goes outside, trips, and falls down the steps of the subway entrance. He crawls back into the bar and says, "I don't know who owns this place, but you should see the train set in the basement!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".
John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"
A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"
A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."